I am suicidal

[Kino ker Snulley]

I am suicidal. I am an IB student from Vietnam, and this is my second year in the program. My classmates and I will be taking the exams very soon in May of 2013. Ever since I joined the IB, I felt a certain state of dull nerves, one might say, that have continued for nearly a year and a half now. I joined the IB never fully realizing the academic and social pressures that it entails, and the amount of stress, pressure, and expectations was too much for me to handle. I broke down. I constantly have feelings of guilt, helplessness, and sadness, and thoughts of suicide have crossed my mind. I self-medicate myself through the Internet and computer games, the few personal hobbies I have, but like any other activities that I used to enjoy, I'm not enjoying them as much anymore. I also feel that I'm distancing myself away from my peers and teachers, and most of the time I find myself alone contemplating on feelings of agonizing emotional pain.

I want some opinion about this issue, anything at all, including tips, experiences, ways of coping, etc. I feel that I need people who have knowledge and/or experience of depression; I want someone that could understand my pain.

[wireman]

I think it's really important to realise that the IB is just two letters. Don't let it affect you so much. Are you any under some kind of pressure from peers? or parents? or your own self-expectations? Just try your best to realise that all this is not worth it. Your personality is not determined by the grades you get in the IB. We're all just 17/18 now. Just get this belief away from your head that the IB is everything.

Besides, life is awesome. I think the reason you don't enjoy stuff you used to like, is you think about work and stuff when you're actually doing it. It happened to me as well. Just relax. Meditate every night if you need to. You'll be fine

[ChocolateDrop]

I think you should confide in people you trust and tell them your feelings. I find ranting helps. It's impotant not to feel ashamed or small as a result of the way you feel, it just makes you more human.

As wireman said grades don't determine your personality. 'Grades don't measure intelligence and age doesn't define maturity' - some wise bloke. I think if anything standardized tests with regurgitated answers don't measure intelligence at all, but ability to memorise and regurgitate. Whilst intelligence is having knowledge and tapply knowledge and skills. And I don't think it's necesarliy in a -place answer here- kind of way. The system is rather crippling as we are forced to answer in a certain manner to be marked 'correct' and in essense are not allowed to explore as many other avenues. This is my problems wih schools and society. But I digress.

But in the long run you're way more important than good grades. Gaining good grades is essentually useless if you lose yourself along the way. It gets better. Believe me, I was in the same position last year. I did A levels and a combination of events made me develop really bad anxiety (or depression I didn't get clinically diagnosed) to the point that I could not wake up, eat or sleep. I hardly functioned, I never left the house or went to school. I was just waiting to die I guess. Part of the fuel for this was the fear of failing everything. If I didnt try then I figured I wouldn't be disappointed, and also I jjust didnt have the energy to do anything. I was in a really bad place. Results day came and needless to say I failed horribly, but nothing happened really. I guess my mind elevated the consequences of failing, and anticipating my failure was in fact more painful than actually enduring it. I realised strangely enough my life went on. The world didn't swallow me and A level wasnt the right path for me as I'd expected. My parents loved me the same and all the setback is just part of my story. Yes, I fell down, but I picked myself up again and that's my testimony.

First you need to identify what exactly is giving you problems apart from expectations. Is it a particular subject or combination of subjects? If so you could get a tutor to help make it easier. If it is time, then you could make a realistic schedule. Also try spending less time worrying about the work and more time doing it. Or if it upsets you too much do some fun task for CAS. Stay positive. In the words of Dory 'Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. Just keep swimming swimming.' Hopefully one day you'll look back at this experience and smile... or laugh about it with friends. The one good thing about the difficulty of the IB is it creates some kind of weird bond between survivors and they just know. You know?

[CkyBlue]

Posting something like this here isn't going to help you much.

You need to realize you're being silly. The IB isn't dragging you down. You are creating your own problems for yourself; you're dragging yourself down. The life, stress and pressure are overwhelming you right now because you have decided that they have done so. The IB isn't for everyone, if it's causing you so much stress and you can't deal with it, it's not the end of the world to drop. If you have done the best you can, you have done all you can do, and there is nothing shameful about that. So govern your own life, and don't let your life be governed by anyone or anything else.

Seriously, talk to someone you are close to and let it all out. I recommend your mother.

[marcatef]

Life is hard you have to know that. However, sometimes, you can make it harder or easier. It all depends on the choices you make in life.

IB is hard. Not everyone can do it. So maybe your path is to stick the normal program and even get higher grades.

You never know what is the best for you, until you consider all the chances!

so i suggest that you quit

[Kino ker Snulley]

@wireman: Thank you for your response Perhaps you are very correct, perhaps I shouldn't regard my grades to the degree of seriousness that I assign for myself. You know, before joining the IB, I studied the American Honor and AP classes, and I enjoyed the classes and didn't have a moment of crippling stress like this. I am, or at least what my peers and teachers tell me all the time, intelligent and thoughtful, but as time goes by with the IB, I started to feel less and less so. Maybe it's time I take a break from it. Again, thank you for your opinion. As for the sources of my pressure, I would say that most of them comes from my parents' demands, my teachers' expectations, and my own perfectionist state of mind. I can always explain them more to you if you wish.

@ChocolateDrop: I've been staying up late thinking about your reply. I have to say that I am more than appreciating your answers right now. Perhaps my situation is the same as yours, where my fear of failure and its consequences had gotten out of hand that I begin to feel a dire need to escape from life. About the source(s) of my depression, I myself am not entirely sure the specific life event or a combination of events that was behind this. Like what I had said to wireman, the sources of my anxiety would very much be truckloads of academic pressure, demands from my parents, and my own sense of perfectionism. And about the "spend less time worrying about my work and spend more time doing it", don't think that I haven't tried. It's just that every time that I sit down on my desk and start doing my work, a few minutes later it would become unbearable for me to continue, and it's not because of laziness or anything of that type. It always take a great amount of effort for me to continue on my assignments, and the lack of concentration is a crippling one. I believe this is a symptom of depression, as I have read it on several medical websites, and also I never had such a problem with concentration before joining the IB program.

About what you said regarding schools and societies, I think I understand what you're trying to say. I think that it's the same situation for me, and I feel like that with the IB, I am being force-feed with information and knowledge. These things always come natural for me, but with the IB, I feel like they are being pushed and forced into my thought process, and the time that I spend in the IB is mostly to "rehearse" for the fateful IB exams in May that would determine my entire academic career in the IB and throughout high school, I suppose.

@Capt'n Marth: If anything, I think that your response is an example of social stigma in regards to mental illnesses and disability, and in this case with depression and those who suffer from it. You have to know that depression is a volatile thing, and that anything can cause it to happen, including social pressure, genetics, psychological, etc. Those who suffer from depression are often thought of as weak and unable to handle stress effectively, and even the smallest thing that society would consider of little importance could cause them to break down. Believe me, there hasn't been a moment during my depressive state that I haven't thought of myself as weak and irresolute, and this is why I have thoughts of putting an end to my life; I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. But I am not saying that you are a bad person, and I believe that you are far from being a bad person. I understand where the sources for stigma comes from, and giving me advice you have. And I thank you for it, really, I appreciate what you have to say regarding my problems. And maybe you're right, maybe it's time for me to govern my life and drive myself out of this tumult, but it's just hard for me to do that now, considering that depression is still lingering about my mind and that I need people's help to deal with this. For now, I am having a kind of talk therapy with my school counselor, and it's been working as far as it goes. I have talk to my parents about this, and not surprisingly, they responded the same way as you did. Again, not saying that you or they are bad people.

@marcatef: Thank you for your suggestion. I have thought about quitting the IB, and I was so close to doing so, but my parents thought that doing so would look bad to colleges and universities, and advised me to stay in the program. Now the water is already at waist-deep level, and I'm not sure if quitting is still a good choice. Maybe it is, I don't know.

[kim luffy]

Hey there,

I'm sorry to say but i agree with Captn' Marth. You posting that here won't help you let alone the comments that people post. You alone will be able to help yourself. Yes, the IB IS a stressful process but we've all made it through and i'm sure you can too. If you've gone this far then what's a couple of months? At the end of it all, you'll figure out how silly it was to think of suicide because it'll be really beneficial to you in university and in your future.

All of us here have and are going through the same thing i.e. IB. Just study hard and do your best in the exams and in your remaining IA's, TOK essay and the EE. That's all you can do for now. If you've done your best then you should feel proud of yourself and not think of committing suicide. If you need any help in your remaining work, you can just post something here and i'm positive someone will lend you a hand.

If you need help to deal with it then i suggest talking to a best friend or your school's counsellor. They'll be able to support you more as compared to us here on IBS.

Good luck and stay strong!

Edited November 7, 2012 by kim luffy

[fяαи]

I hope you realise that feeling like this more and more everyday is just going to keep happening, not unless you make a change and decide for yourself that you're going to be strong and be able to cope with the rest of IB and life, for that matter.

IB is there to make you stronger as person, intellectually, socially. However, it seems it's causing a bit of a hassle on your part. Do not give up and start distancing yourself away from your peers and teachers. The fact of the matter is that the more you do that, the more you'll find it hard to cope. Keep yourself busy, always stay close to someone, a friend is good. Even if it's a teacher you can confide in.

You're smarter than you show yourself to be. The fact that you posted here makes me think you do want to help yourself and it that's the case then you need to start with yourself, by believing in yourself and making a change. It'll take time, I agree but it's time you decided to choose to do the right thing.

I hope you understand what I'm trying to tell you. Good luck and I hope you heed this.

[dragn]

I can't believe that there is someone on this forum similar to me. This is my first year in the IB program. Like you, I have also felt a constant dull pressure on me ever since my entrance into the program that has recently climaxed to a point of emotional distress where I have broken down many many times in the past few days. Although I feel better now after having discussed this with my parents, the constant pressure hasn't alleviated at all. I always feel panicked, with the constant fear that I will fail all of my courses. I know this fear has manifested as a result of my high expectations, but I can't seem to bring myself to lower these expectations. I repeat to myself over and over again that everything will be OK even if I sustain a low mark, but I can't bring myself to believe it.

Part of this stress I'm feeling is also due to never having any free time for myself. I'm engaged in many extra-curricular activities, and ever since beginning the IB program I have gone immediately between these hobbies to doing homework. I have no time to relax, and it is a frustrating feeling.

I'm sorry for ranting about my personal life to you, but I really needed to get this off my chest. I hope it helps to have someone who can relate. Thoughts of suicide have crossed my mind as well. The most effective way of coping for me so far has been just stomping around in my basement and yelling at the top of my lungs to discharge all of this negative energy that surrounds me. I know it sounds silly but it has honestly helped I don't know how much longer I can continue with this constant pressure though...I really hope you can pull out of your situation. I know you're a lot stronger than I am considering that I'm already breaking down in my first couple of months in IB.

[Jaymi]

What I strongly suggest you do is, go talk to a psychologist, talk to parents....they're the BEST people to help you, especially since you feel depressed and suicidal.

Look, yes the IB Diploma is not for the faint hearted, its a tough tough course. A

Right now, it may seem as though the stress is overloading you and this is what is bringing you down.

Its PREPARING you for university life. I don't know what may happen to you when university stress arises.

You need to find a stress outlet STAT.

Don't let it bring you down. Take myself as an example.

I was meant to write my IB finals last year, but before exams, I ended up in hospital.

I had complete amnesia.

This whole year I could have just sat on my arse and complain about how the world is out to get me. BUT, I decided no, I need to pass so I have ACHIEVED something. And right now, I've probably only got about 30% of my memory back.

Trust me, if you're finding IB stressful? Try re-learning 6 syllabus...in a year...from scratch.

Not an easy feat. I could have become like you, depressed and suicidal. If you're determined you can do anything

YOU'VE GOT TO PUSH YOURSELF.

You're at the final hurdle...exams are close, don't give up.

I still say go and see a psychologist. There's no shame in accepting you've got something wrong with you.

As they always say, admittance is the first step of recovery

Good Luck in your recovery Buddy, you'll pull through

[Sandwich]

You should talk to somebody. Your parents, a teacher (if any fit the bill), friends... they'll be able to help you a lot, and just telling people how you're feeling can provide a massive emotional relief for yourself. They'll also be able to help you problem solve much more effectively to make things easier for you to cope with.

Really though, talking is the best way. It doesn't have to be somebody like a psychologist or a psychiatrist or whatever, just somebody who you know if that's easier and seems more relevant to you. When people realise somebody else is in distress, you'd be surprised how much they A) understand and B) want to help.

[HoolaBaloola]

Only by having the will, the will to never give up, the will to stay powerful, the will keep your emotions intact, and a will of radiant positivity instead of a gloomy helplessness , only then can you deal with the giant behemoth that is the IB.

,

I suggest sports! This can also go into your CAS hours for action, it really does help raise motivation!

Breathing excercises are very useful in dealing with stress as well if you ever find yourself in a sticky situation, then BREATH, make sure with every breath that you fill your lungs, pause for a few seconds and let all the stress exit your system, repeat this 10 times.

Trust me the IB is not as hard as you think it is! We've all been there brother, we have seen the stress, the death and destruction the IB can cause. But you can only overcome that your willpower! You must forcefully enter a psychological state of positivity to overcome your negative emotions. You must BELIEVE that you can pass and deal with the excessive workload and truthfully: I BELIEVE you are able to do this! Anyone is! You have amazing potential! You just need to to get rid of that negativity associated with the stress of workload! So BELIEVE in yourself that you are able to handle ANYTHING that is thrown at you! Good luck and God bless!

EDIT: DON'T GIVE UP!

Edited November 9, 2012 by HoolaBaloola

[Aura]

The important thing to do here is to stay positive. I have also had some serious depressions during year 1 and start of year 2, kept thinking all sorts of ****ty stuff (such as 'I dont want to live like this anymore', 'I have absolutely no life', 'Is this really worth it?', 'I'm too tired of being tired' ). See, I'm a very determined person. I want to be an astronaut since age 10 and I'm still on track of achieving that (that's why I'm taking the IB in the first place). After some time of deep suffering and frequent all-nighters, I realized that the workload wasn't actually that hard and that I had been doing some things wrong (like procrastinating too much or depriving myself from sleep). I realized that I actually had the skills to do everything on time, and that I learned new abilities by doing the IB. Now I can focus in studying, organize better, write long essays in less than 20 minutes, learn actively, understand a lot of topics that I've always been interested in, write computer programs, discuss about a lot of stuff, analyze situations, etc.

And that is the moment when you realize that you have finished the IB, because it has given you all you could possibly learn from it. Not only the new or enhanced abilities, but more importantly know that YOU CAN DO IT, and that nothing is going to stop you if you keep pursuing your goals. I stayed up the whole night yesterday studying for a subject I subestimated because today was the final exam, and let me tell you: I no longer freak out, I don't get nervous anymore by watching the sunrise on a schoolday, I don't fear or hate the IB anymore. Now I just grab a nice cup of coffee and keep a good mood, because I know I can do it. The only thing to overcome is your own desperation. The IB is a challenge, and a great opportunity to learn more about yourself. (:

EDIT: Oh and, by the way, everyone (at least at my school) has cried out of stress in the middle of a class at least once. Everything ends, so just don't panic.

Edited November 9, 2012 by Aura

[Kaushalz]

Sometimes the best cure for depression is to smile to a mirror and laugh at your problems. Trust me, just try it

Think about how good your life will be when you finish the IB and remember: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"!

Probably not the response you were looking for, but this worked for me. It might work for you as well.

[Kino ker Snulley]

Thank you all for your posts,

As of now, I've been having a kind of talk therapy, you can say, with my school counselor. I haven't officially have my depression, or anxiety as some would rather call, diagnosed, and I couldn't, because my parents believe very firmly that this is only a simple state of mind that will go away if I pull myself together (They're Asians, that in itself explains quite a lot, if you believe in the stereotypes). All I can say for now is that my emotional state is more neutral now, and I don't have recurring thoughts of death and self-harm anymore, although there is still the tendency for such.

I find reading these posts and researching about depression quite therapeutic, as it gives me a better understanding of the illness itself, as well as my fellow IB students' opinion on it. I've always been very self-conscious, you see. I'll see where this depression will take me, but for now, not all of everything is meaningless anymore.

[kim luffy]

Job well done

Just continue on that path and you'll be fine. Don't stress too much about things. It's not the end of the world if you fail the IB and if you pass well then you should give yourself a huge pat on the back, be proud, and give yourself a good nights rest with all the late nights and whatnot.

Good luck with the IB and everything else

[usernamed]

Posting something like this here isn't going to help you much.

You need to realize you're being silly. The IB isn't dragging you down. You are creating your own problems for yourself; you're dragging yourself down. The life, stress and pressure are overwhelming you right now because you have decided that they have done so. The IB isn't for everyone, if it's causing you so much stress and you can't deal with it, it's not the end of the world to drop. If you have done the best you can, you have done all you can do, and there is nothing shameful about that. So govern your own life, and don't let your life be governed by anyone or anything else.

Seriously, talk to someone you are close to and let it all out. I recommend your mother.

Wow. 

dont call her silly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She isn't ''creating" her problems. Wow wtf

Literally just so inconsiderate

[Emilia1320]

Posting something like this here isn't going to help you much.

You need to realize you're being silly. The IB isn't dragging you down. You are creating your own problems for yourself; you're dragging yourself down. The life, stress and pressure are overwhelming you right now because you have decided that they have done so. The IB isn't for everyone, if it's causing you so much stress and you can't deal with it, it's not the end of the world to drop. If you have done the best you can, you have done all you can do, and there is nothing shameful about that. So govern your own life, and don't let your life be governed by anyone or anything else.

Seriously, talk to someone you are close to and let it all out. I recommend your mother.

Wow. 

dont call her silly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She isn't ''creating" her problems. Wow wtf

Literally just so inconsiderate

You realize this post is many years old right?

Anyway, my symphaties for OP if she is still reading this which is unlikely. And everyone else out there, IB aint life and death

[Kamen rider baron]

I think you should let your counsellor know and tell your parents. When you have an issue it is best to talk to others instead of keeping it bottled up inside. It will make your feelings worse. Get help immediately so the worst does not happen

[mac117]

I think you should let your counsellor know and tell your parents. When you have an issue it is best to talk to others instead of keeping it bottled up inside. It will make your feelings worse. Get help immediately so the worst does not happen

The problem is that once my mother finds out, she will take me from that school. She already thinks that it's the reason I'm gay and it's just "too much stress", which it's not. I really would like to tell someone about what happened back in January and what I'm struggling with now, but I can't. I didn't even say I self harm myself - my teacher saw my cuts and took me to the counsellor - I'm just afraid that people will think less of me...