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Hey guys, so it turns out I got a due date wrong and I finished my written task 2 early ahah
I already had it peer edited by some classmates and it's not due until Thursday,
It's not anything urgent, but if anyone would want to read mine to edit, or even for those that need help with structuring their written task feel free to read mine.

Any comments or feedback is appreciated :)

Written Task 2 - Brochure Analysis.doc

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Hey, interesting essay! It was a fluid read, which is more than I can say for some essays I've read. Good job on that.

Here are some minor edits I'd suggest:

  • In your first body paragraph you may want to say something other than "...readers will make a bigger connection between this problem and females". It just seems kind of juvenile, saying bigger. Maybe something like "more defined" instead?
  • Grammar nitpick: "..the statements regarding females and abuse becomes a focal point.." - it should be "become", not "becomes".
  • First sentence of second body paragraph: either put a comma after "symbols" or delete "such as images and symbols" altogether. The first one is a grammar issue, the second would make your sentence a bit more readable but isn't necessary.
  • Delete the "in" in the second sentence of your second body paragraph.
  • As a general thing, you say "image" over and over in your second body paragraph. Try using "it" or just not saying it's an image, as reading the same word over and over gets boring.
  • You might want to mention that men also get breast cancer, but that the disease is one heavily associated with women so that is irrelevant.
  • First sentence of your third body paragraph: it should be "portrays", not "portray".
  • I'm confused about how you justify your evidence in the religious paragraph. You mention that it connects personally with the reader by making them think about women in their own lives, but I'm not sure how that would help emphasize religious policies. Yes, the religion advocates proper treatment of women, but presumably the people who are going to be affected by this brochure aren't the ones actually hurting women. Does that make sense? What I'm trying to get at is that I don't get how this is a religious thing rather than an ethical one.
  • "This portrayal of women were intended towards promoting Qatari social and religious goals for better treatment of women, which is also evident by looking at the features of the brochure, as well as it's cultural context." 1) should be "was" and "its" respectively; 2) a better phrasing might be "to promote Qatari..."; 3) delete "also" and the comma after brochure; and 4) this is purely aesthetic, but your sentence might read better if you said something like "which is clear after examination of the features of the brochure ...". This one just makes it prettier to my inner editor so ignore if you wish.

There you go! It looks like a lot of bullet points, but really it's mostly single word changes or a grammatic blip. Hope that helped!

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