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Uncyclopedia and it's thoughts on the IB

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Thought I would post this link for all of us who hate IB with a passion. I'm pretty sure some of the people who wrote this article are members of IBSurvival -_-


Some favourites from the article:

~ Gandalf on IB

[b]“I think, therefore IB”[/b]
~ Descartes

[b]“I wonder if that pretty girl would pay attention to me if I solve this calculus problem in front of the whole class?”[/b]
~ Desperate IB student

[b]“If a picture is worth a 1000 words, I wonder if 4 pictures would be enough to desribe my essay”[/b]
~ Student doing last-minute Extended Essay

[b]“You are just a number.”[/b]
~ IB coordinator to IB students

[i]The "International Baccalaureate" (IB), or, as it is known to some, "International Bull****" or the "I'm Better Program" is a graduating course for those students who enjoy an incredible amount of pain and torture before they kill themselves, who have also, in their previous lives, done horrible things, such as being a martyr, huffing kittens, participating in bear hunts, being a commie, being a member of G unit or having unprotected sex with animals.

One hypothesis about the origin of the International Baccalaureate is that it was created by a race of Swiss gnomes intent on reducing the worlds brightest to gibbering idiots. According to this theory, IB was formulated in 1967 by a race of genetically-enhanced super gnomes designed to construct shoes inside a room in the swiss canton of Bern. Tired of being trampled on, these minuscule gnomes decided that if they were too boring and overworked to go out drinking, then so should everyone else. So they proceeded to spread this evil cult, creating a race of diabolical servants said to strike fear into the heart of Satan himself: The Theory of Knowledge Teacher. This demonic beast is created by taking a simple teacher, removing their soul, and replacing it with the Theory of Knowledge. Using their dark Topological minions the Gnomes have perpetuated their cult to this day.[/i]

[color="#FF0000"]Extra Points:

Apart from randomly pre-assigned subject grades, IB offers students the possibility to gain extra points through many secondary activities such as:

-Reviving a Dodo and teaching it to fly.
-Exporting democracy, then importing it back in a condition better than it was shipped out.
-Training a monkey from Africa to do your homework. This is difficult because the monkey has AIDS and will die in 10 minutes (native Africans don't count as monkeys).
-Find a cure for the common cold and/or AIDS, using only drugs available over-the-counter at a German drug store
-Discovering the Meaning of Life in
-Build a time machine and successfully convince Genghis Khan, Atilla the Hun and Vlad the Impaler that you are from the future. Survive all three encounters and proceed to write an essay on the mental processes associated with unbelievable truths.
-Find the origins of the toothpick. Then write a paper on this subject, you may use a toothpick and no ink.

Examples of final exam questions:

-[i]Public Speaking:[/i] 2500 riot-crazed Aborigines will storm the classroom in four minutes. When they arrive, calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

-[i]Medicine:[/i] [color="#000080"]You have been provided with a plastic knife and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. You have fifteen minute[/color]s.
-[i]Creativity:[/i] Create a perfect replica of the statue of liberty with Chinese chopsticks and macaroni. No glue is allowed. You may only use your left hand, or your right hand if you're left handed. Ambidextrous individuals have to use their feet. Go.
-Physical Education: [color="#000080"]Throw a football. Write a paper on the trajectory. Next, using the areas of interaction, explain the deeper meaning of a football and how the history of the shin pad symbolizes the American dream. Then catch the football.
-[i]English:[/i] Cite all of Shakespeare's plays word by word, but omitting the letter "e".
-[i]French:[/i] [color="#FF8C00"]Outline all three French victories in military combat against Germany. "There were no French victories against the Germans" will not be taken as an answer, even though it's true. Because he is a Corsican, all of Napoleon's accomplishments are to be ignored.[/color]

-[i]Political Science:[/i] There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Then discuss in a 50 page essay the effects, if any, of the war. We understand that it may take you a while: if the war is not over in ten minutes we authorize you to use nuclear weapons, as it will save many American lives. If the war lasts over 15 minutes then you fail for not being patriotic enough. No less than 200,000 Japanese deaths are acceptable, regardless of whose side the slant-eyed bastards are on. OR Go second and clean up the war your classmate made. You have a $2 budget balance and you cannot use words. You have one hour. Go.

-[i]Philosophy:[/i][color="#48D1CC"][color="#FF0000"] **** Happens. Why? Also: When **** does not happen, prove why no[/color][/color]t.
-[i]Economics:[/i] Increase the American inflation by 2.543% buying all the external US Dollar reserves. You have 7 minutes.
-[i]Art:[/i] [color="#800080"]Your have 5 minutes to look at and memorize a picture of the Sistine Chapel. Create a perfect replica on a 1:3 scale. Use the marble stones and other supplies you were required to bring to the exam.[/color]
-[i]Law:[/i] Create a new amendment and have it ratified to the United States Constitution. Extra points will be awarded for getting previous amendments repealed. Preferably number 8 (No cruel/unusual punishment).

-[i]Astronomy:[/i] [color="#00FF00"]Create a medium-sized black hole on your desk OR prove that a black hole is God's anus.[/color]
-[i]Religion[/i]: Using only the Old Testament, prove that Jesus actually survived and had several children. Find every living descendant.
-[i]Spanish[/i]: [color="#800080"]Locate a poor child in Honduras and have him lead you to a buried chest of Aztec gold. "There were no Aztecs in Honduras" is not an acceptable excuse.[/color]

-[i]Geography:[/i] Find where Osama Bin Laden lives, giving the excuse of "We are bringing liberty to the people of "x" country". Meanwhile, searching is absolutely prohibited.
-[i]History:[/i] [color="#FF8C00"]Write all of your history syllabus in 45 minutes. Dates for every event and crisis is essential. You will get no marks if etc. is found on your answer. A minimum of 7 and a half pages is required. You will not be able to finish the exam; if you manage to finish it in time, name Hitler's dog.[/color]
-[i]History:[/i] Write a 5000 word monograph using only consonants, and all historical figures should be referred to as Wilde. Any dates NOT before 6000 B.C. will result in failure. Your monograph will then be graded on historical accuracy.

-[i]Mandarin:[/i][color="#2E8B57"] Converse with Mao, and convince him that a) you speak better Mandarin and b) he should have used impressionism for his party posters.[/color]
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Read it before. Damn amusing, I must say. There's also the "You know you're in IB when..." list if anyone wants to burn some time... :D

[b]Edit[/b]: nevermind, it's on the page posted
"You Know You're in I.B. When" Edited by moneyfaery

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THe section on IB Mutants was pretty freaking exact.

"A new strain of the IB virus has been found deep in the heartland of Australia. These IB mutants (only found in Queensland and Canberra, Australia) participate not only in the IB, but in the Overall Positioning System (OP)(Queensland) or the Australian Capital Territory University Admissions Index system (ACT UAI)(Canberra), which are the standard courses for "healthy" students in those two states.

There are gratuitous amounts of fatal cases relating to this tortuous double-certificate system. Each year there are reports of IB mutants self destructing in the middle of a class, at their desk at home, or at the local library (where they explode quietly and with little fuss) as these are the only places where they are ever observed."

LEt's just say that I'm from Canberra and can totally relate to this. The double IB/UAI thing is killing me! I have no free time .......except for when im on this thing.......and when im procrastinating. Hell I SHOULD have no free time..........dammit

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