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Help + Proofread my essay

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I'm in MYP5/Grade 10 and I have to write a critical essay in English and submit it on ManageBac on Sunday. The essay topic is to write about why I chose this high school while comparing/contrasting all high school options I had before choosing that one. So it should be a 5 paragraph essay with a thesis in the introduction obviously and I should have quite some cause/effect sentences. Also max 550 words. So the thing is we had to write a rough draft for today and we would get feedback from the teacher before improving the essay for Sunday's deadline and so I wrote 840 words and my teacher said it was good, interesting but too descriptive, too wordy and it's more of a story than a critical essay and it exceeds the max word number. I wanna get a 7 so bad so can you guys please improve my essay as much as you can? I mean you're technically not doing it for me so that's fine, I already did all the work you guys are just helping me out, so please the document is attached. Thanks! 

Edited by Magui

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Do not attach your essay or work to this site or online. It will be picked up by your teacher's plagiarism checker. Also, it is unethical for anyone else to rework your essay so that you get a 7. It must be your own work. 

Edited by voh26
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14 minutes ago, voh26 said:

Do not attach your essay or work to this site or online. It will be picked up by your teacher's plagiarism checker. Also, it is unethical for anyone else to rework your essay so that you get a 7. It must be your own work. 

Alright, thanks, I didn't think about that! I just removed the attachment. And yeah you're right, I'll try to improve it myself.

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Some basic tips
1. Always revise content first. Even if your grammar is flawless, if you don't hit the key points you are not getting the marks. 

2. Use present tense and past tense in favor of more complicated sentence structures. 
"In order to depict the inner conflicts of the main character, the author planned this fight before he went home."
The main character fights before going home, because the author wants to show his inner conflicts."

3. Use parallelism effectively when making a list. 

"The main elements are setting the mood, describing the characters in detail, and foreshadowing events about to occur."
"The main elements are mood, character description, and foreshadowing."

Hope that helps. 

 

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